Dr
Speedbump’s
10
NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS
for
2004
1) Keep my focus
and
avoid going off on tangents.
"Tangents"
-- that's trigonometry -- which reminds me -- I should
always remember to shave between my nostrils. My high school
trigonometry teacher often forgot and he looked really
stupid. I hated Trig and didn’t learn what a "cosine" was
until years later when I tried to trade in my Ford compact for a big
Ford Explorer. I couldn't get the loan, so I had to keep my Focus.
"Ah
Glasshoppa, there are no tangents, just bigger circles."
2) I have a slight memory problem. Actually, it
doesn’t bother me
-- but it’s frustrating for my wife, uh, What’s-Her-Name.
So, I’ll do something about it.
3)
I might also have a memory problem.
I’ll
just learn to live with it.
4)
Get a haircut before I get one from the
garbage disposal
again.
5)
Lose 5 pounds. If the haircut doesn’t
do it, I'll try trimming my toenails or biting off some of my tongue.
6)
Try to be sensitive about the little
things
that inexplicably irk my wife. This will obviously necessitate
another list in a smaller font.
a)
give her a more expensive birthday present,
because she wasn’t
happy last year with the ThighMaster;
b)
stop calling her “What’s-Her-Name”. How about “Wife 1.0”?
c) if
she wants to talk to me, I should stop using the computer
before
she smashes it
with the
ThighMaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
a a a
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