The Short Attention Span Playhouse
presents
presents
The curtain rises, while a taped overture plays and a spotlight shines on a muddy galosh patched with duct tape, but hardly anyone in the audience understands Mr Hitchcock's subtlety.
[Taped "overshoe". Get it? Oh, never mind.]
Alfred Hitchcock [dressed as a nun in a cowboy hat] comes out of a video store, "Psycho" in hand, as Marion Crane is going in.
The Audience: There he is! There he is!
Marion: Hi Mr. Hitchcock – Great cameo!
Alfred: Thanks, Janet. I thought so too.
[To the audience]: Goot evening! Now that you’ve seen me, you can relax and follow the story.
Marion [Driving a car, North by Northwest. Well...pretending to drive. This is a no-budget play:]
I’m as sweaty as Scarlet O’Hara during the big fire scene.
I’ll stop for a shower right after I sing to the tune of "Lonely Goatherd".
High on a hill there's a lonely motel
Lady, old lady, older lady ooo
Old creepy house near the lonely motel
Lady, older lady, o'dloo
Trunk full of cash but I don't want a hotel
Lady, old lady, older lady ooo
I'll stop for the night at this no-tell motel
Lady, older lady, o'dloo
[From the trunk] A chorus of Little Presidents on the bills:
Old, old, lady, older lady, old, old, lady older lay...dee.
Old, old, lady, older lady, lady, older layoay...dee
Norman Bates [at the motel desk, singing to himself]:
The hills are alive with the sound of Norman ...
[Marion enters, Norman continues:]
Oh, hi Janet ! Take Room 1. I'd put you in Room 14, but it's a crime scene that's been cordoned off. [He straightens a painting on the wall.] I’ll look in on you when I get back from Perkin's Pancake House, to see how you’re doing. In the meantime, we'll show the audience a really creepy animated picture of a blinking eye.
Mother Bates: Acting doesn’t look too difficult -- I think I’ll take a stab at it. [She does.] I’ve got to tell Mr. Hitchcock that the shower in Room 1 has a Torn Curtain. Any Peeping Tom could spy on our guests through the Rear Window.
Marion [to the tune of "Singing in the Rain]":
I’m singing while in pain
A knife has cut my vein
What a hor-rible scene, when
My blood goes down the drain ...
Norman:
Mother, did you go into a Frenzy and carve up another guest after marinating her in chocolate syrup that looks like blood in black and white? You're off your rocker. This is a play -- we can't do it in black and white. You must have designed this web-page. The background is supposed to be blood-red! Besides, she hadn’t paid for the room yet -- and I don’t know anything about the cash in the trunk of her car, although I did hear some muffled singing ...
Little Presidents [Reprise -- gargling as Norman watches the car sink into the off-stage swamp]: Old, old, lady older lady ...
Norman: Mother, now there’s a dead detective at the bottom of the stairs. This is for The Birds. Don't tell me he had Vertigo and fell down all 39 Steps. I bet you assumed he was The Man Who Knew Too Much -- but he was The Wrong Man. You must be crazy!
Mother [who goes very, very limp, like a bag of bones, as Norman carries her off]:
Crazy? I’m crazy? I’m crazy??
Norman: Stay in the fruit cellar, Mother, while I sing to the tune of "When I Marry Mister Snow".
When they bury this old crow
The sheriff 'll be comin’ with a great big chain
They’ll dredge the swamp and roto-root the shower drain
When they bury this old crow
Then it’s off to a home we’ll go
And both of us ‘ll look a little dreamy-eyed
Mom and I forever sitting side-by-side
We’ll read Edgar Allan Poe ...
[Norman exits]
Marion’s Sister [when the chair turns, disclosing Mother's corpse]: Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
[Norman re-enters, in drag, with a knife.
He jumps from the stage and runs up the center aisle.]
Audience: Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !
[Time passes ... What's the hurry? Nobody's left in the theater.
Norman is seated, wrapped in a blanket]
Alfred [singing with a Freudian accent]:
Mad boy, mad boy, vhatcha gonna do?
Vhatcha gonna do vhen zey come for you?
Norman [Reprise, in Mother's voice, slowly and softly ... still the the tune of Mister Snow]
Then, it's off to a home we'll go
Both of us 'll look a little dreamy-eyed
Norman forever sitting by my side
La La, La La La La La
THE END
Audience: Yaaaaay!
[Taped "overshoe". Get it? Oh, never mind.]
Alfred Hitchcock [dressed as a nun in a cowboy hat] comes out of a video store, "Psycho" in hand, as Marion Crane is going in.
The Audience: There he is! There he is!Marion: Hi Mr. Hitchcock – Great cameo!
Alfred: Thanks, Janet. I thought so too.
[To the audience]: Goot evening! Now that you’ve seen me, you can relax and follow the story.
Marion [Driving a car, North by Northwest. Well...pretending to drive. This is a no-budget play:]
I’m as sweaty as Scarlet O’Hara during the big fire scene.
I’ll stop for a shower right after I sing to the tune of "Lonely Goatherd".
The hills are alive with the sound of Norman ...
[Marion enters, Norman continues:]
Oh, hi Janet ! Take Room 1. I'd put you in Room 14, but it's a crime scene that's been cordoned off. [He straightens a painting on the wall.] I’ll look in on you when I get back from Perkin's Pancake House, to see how you’re doing. In the meantime, we'll show the audience a really creepy animated picture of a blinking eye.
Mother Bates: Acting doesn’t look too difficult -- I think I’ll take a stab at it. [She does.] I’ve got to tell Mr. Hitchcock that the shower in Room 1 has a Torn Curtain. Any Peeping Tom could spy on our guests through the Rear Window.
Marion [to the tune of "Singing in the Rain]":
Little Presidents [Reprise -- gargling as Norman watches the car sink into the off-stage swamp]: Old, old, lady older lady ...
Norman: Mother, now there’s a dead detective at the bottom of the stairs. This is for The Birds. Don't tell me he had Vertigo and fell down all 39 Steps. I bet you assumed he was The Man Who Knew Too Much -- but he was The Wrong Man. You must be crazy!
Mother [who goes very, very limp, like a bag of bones, as Norman carries her off]:
Crazy? I’m crazy? I’m crazy??
Norman: Stay in the fruit cellar, Mother, while I sing to the tune of "When I Marry Mister Snow".
[Norman exits]
Marion’s Sister [when the chair turns, disclosing Mother's corpse]: Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!
[Norman re-enters, in drag, with a knife. He jumps from the stage and runs up the center aisle.]
Audience: Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !
[Time passes ... What's the hurry? Nobody's left in the theater.
Norman is seated, wrapped in a blanket]
Alfred [singing with a Freudian accent]:
Mad boy, mad boy, vhatcha gonna do?
Vhatcha gonna do vhen zey come for you?
Norman [Reprise, in Mother's voice, slowly and softly ... still the the tune of Mister Snow]
Audience: Yaaaaay!
