The Short Attention Span Playhouse
presents
The curtain rises, while a taped overture plays and a spotlight shines on a muddy galosh patched with duct tape.
Alfred Hitchcock (wearing a cowboy hat) comes out of a video store, "Psycho" in hand -- as Marion Crane is going in.
The Audience: There he is ! There he is !
Marion: Hi Mr. Hitchcock – great cameo !
Alfred: Thanks, Janet. I thought so too.
(Turning to the audience): Goot evening! Now that you’ve seen me, you can relax and follow the story.
Marion (driving a car):
I’m as sweaty as Scarlet O’Hara during the big fire scene. I’ll stop for a shower right after I sing to the tune of "Lonely Goatherd".
High on a hill there's a lonely motel
Lady, old lady, older lady ooo
Old creepy house near the lonely motel
Lady, older lady, odloo
Trunk full of cash but I don't want a hotel
Lady, old lady, older lady ooo
So I'll stop for the night at this no-tell motel
Lady, older lady, odloo
(From the trunk) A chorus of Little Presidents on the bills:
Old, old, lady, older lady, old, old, lady older lay...
Dee
old, old, lady, older lady, lady, older layoay...
Dee
Norman Bates (at the motel desk):
(Singing to himself) The hills are alive with the sound of Norman ...
(Marion enters, Norman continues:)
Oh, hi Janet ! Take Room 1.
(He straightens a painting on the wall.) I’ll look in on you later to see how you’re doing.
Mother Bates:
Acting doesn’t look too difficult -- I think I’ll take a stab at it. (She does.) I’ve got to tell Mr. Hitchcock that the shower in Room 1 has a torn curtain.
Marion (to the tune of "Singing in the Rain)":
I’m singing while in pain
A knife has cut my vein
What a horrible scene where
My blood goes down the drain
Norman:
Mother, did you kill another guest? You must be off your rocker. She hasn’t paid for the room yet -- and I don’t know anything about the cash in the trunk of her car, although I did hear some muffled singing ...
Little Presidents (Reprise -- gargling as Norman watches the car sink into the off-stage swamp):
Old, old, lady older lady ...
Norman: Mother, now there’s a dead detective at the bottom of the stairs. You must be crazy.
Mother (as Norman carries her off): Crazy? I’m crazy? I’m crazy??
Norman: Stay in the fruit cellar, Mother, while I sing to the tune of
"Mister Snow".
When they bury this old crow
The sheriff 'll be comin’ with a great big chain
They’ll dredge the swamp and roto-root the shower drain
When they bury this old crow
Then it’s off to a home we’ll go
And both of us ‘ll look a little dreamy-eyed
Mom and I forever to be side by side
We’ll read Edgar Allan Poe
(Norman exits)
Marion’s Sister (when the chair turns, disclosing Mother's corpse): Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !
(Norman re-enters, in drag, with a knife. He jumps from the stage and runs up the center aisle.)
Audience: Aieeeeeeeeeeeeeeee !
(Time passes)
(Norman is seated, wrapped in a blanket)
Alfred (singing with a Freudian accent):
Mad boy, mad boy, vhatcha gonna do?
Vhatcha gonna do vhen dey come for you?
Norman (Reprise, in Mother's voice, slowly and softly):
Then it's off to a home we'll go
Both of us 'll look a little dreamy-eyed
Norman will be forever by my side
La La, La La La La La
THE END
Audience: Yaaaaay!
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